Poltergeist (1982) – A Cautionary Tale Regarding the Dangers of TV

This movie was very silly, and it really has nothing to do with poltergeists, does it? It’s more of a haunting, followed by the onset of a zombie apocalypse, right? I mean, there’s an angsty adolescent girl, but she’s not around for most of it, and her angst has nothing to do with the events. By the end we’re given to understand it’s the angry dead people wreaking havoc.

Things that were good:

1.  Learning that TV stations used to broadcast the national anthem before going off the air for the evening. I was born in 1979. I have no recollection of this.
2. Kids seeing things the grown ups can't. This compounded by kids conscious and wandering the house or talking to blank TV screens while they’re supposed to be sleeping is a nice little stress builder for all the parents in the viewership.
3. A guy’s face rotting and him peeling it off. Okay, I looked away, and my husband told me when it was over, but the idea was cool. And gross. And the maggots. And that he set the meat directly on the countertop instead of on a cutting board. Horrifying cross-contamination of surfaces. Gross. So much horror here. (That one wasn’t very smooth, was it?)
4. The clown appearing out of nowhere and dragging a kid out of bed. Kid could take him though. Kid for the win. By the way, did you guys know Oliver Robins almost died for realz in that scene? The puppet ACTUALLY tried to choke him. Read about it in the “Did you know” triviasection on his IMDB page.
5. The giant yawning esophagus of hell. That looked like an expensive effect.

Things that were horrible:

1. Was that wasted beer in the RC car scene? Moment of silence. (Too non sequitur? Sorry.)
2. A tornado in Los Angeles? What?
3. The mother’s inadequate reaction to her daughter’s disappearance. If it were me, I wouldn’t sleep for days, and my fingers would probably be bloody from clawing at the floors/walls of the closet, and from the first moment I hear that kid’s voice through the TV, I’d never turn it off. So sitting across the table from the paranormal investigator and being all affectionate with my hubby wouldn’t happen. I get that they’re trying to communicate how dulled the family’s become to the paranormal, and, yeah, that might eventually happen, but I don’t think you get dulled toward the absence of your child. They’d probably have to put me in the loony bin. She does finally almost earn mama-bear points when the giant skeleton-y goo monster is blocking her way to the kids’ room, and she’s all, “Leave my kids alone,” or whatever she screams. I kinda wanted her to grab it by its gooey little face and toss it's Satanic ass down the stairs so she could go save her kids. But she fell down the stairs instead. Let down.
4. The lack of respect toward the medium. Hey, 1982, you’re not allowed to laugh at people because the look or sound different. That was played like a gag, and it made me hate Coach for playing along.
5. Coach’s not-really-trying-too-hard effort to get his wife and daughter to breathe after they fall through the purgatory portal. Didn't they have CPR in 1982? And what is that, cherry Jello? Is that supposed to be some kind of Satanic special sauce or something? Maybe you should wipe it away from their noses and mouths, clear the airways, check for a pulse, and perhaps begin rescue breathing.
6. The choreography of the esophagus scene. “Son, grab your sister’s hand—but only by the tips of her fingers! For God’s sake, don’t get a decent grip on, like, her wrist or something! Okay! I’m going to pull, and you two, just kind of stumble-walk out of the room.” Stellar work there, Mr. Spielberg. The time and money went to the esophagus, huh?
7. Skeletons popping up everywhere. That was utterly silly. I mean, side-clenching WTF silly. Was it scary by 1982 standards? Furthermore, this whole section seemed like an add-on. Like the family is safe, they’re moving, and Shit, this film is too short. Okay, we’ll make them stay there one more night. But we already said they’ be staying at the Holiday Inn. We don’t have the time or money to reshoot that scene, so let’s hope no one noticed that. Oh, look, Mr. Spielberg. More money. Should we reshoot that scene now? Nah, let's just spend it making all hell break loose.
8. That it’s called “poltergeist” and it’s not about poltergeists. It’s like recording a biography of Ice Cube and naming it after Dr. Dre instead. Swing and a miss. Kinda like this blog/review.

Poltergeist. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1982. DVD.